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I sometimes feel like talking about how I feel, yet sometimes I feel like I cannot be bothered to tell people how I feel because, I am afraid that most people will not understand how I feel. It is a horrid thing to have told people your innermost feelings and then have them laugh it off on a whim.
I feel as if I am waiting for a time-bomb to explode. I am very very afraid of how I would feel should it be revealed who he likes. It sometimes makes me feel like a loser to have not been able to be rid of the feelings after 4 years. I wish I was truly prophetic in my dreams but the words that Angeline questioned me runs through my mind still - "When did any of your dreams ever come true?"
I thought I was numb to whatever he does, whatever he says. After 4 years, all the times I have hoped I could sit beside him during service, be in his group during cell, seen him in church long after hours and duties have passed through the day, all seems a childish thought now. Things like these didn't seem to matter as much now.
I was quite worried when he didn't reply my SMS this morning. At first I thought he overslept. Then, I worried if something happened to him like an accident or something. The worry and temporal wave of panic surprised me. So, I still feel something.
I don't know why I just felt like crying after A and I left cell. And I did, kinda. I'm glad A was there, but I felt a little embarrassed and incoherent. I haven't really cried about him for a long time and I told myself I didn't want to anymore because once I cried over a misunderstanding we had over SMS and it was really painful to the point of being physical. So maybe, I don't feel so numb afterall.
My thoughts about the matter is fragmented. Sometimes, I just wish everything would come to an end.
If it would be painful, perhaps it would be like a jab - precise and quick.
Maybe things will not be as bad as I think it will be.
It’s this inexpressible feeling of missing something in my life.
Like subtle emptiness, devoid of feeling.
Maybe fear of what I would feel if I allow myself to start to feel. Again.
I guess that's just it.
Please help me to open my eyes. I don't want to make the same mistake again.
Help, I'm scared.
I guess I just have to walk through this myself. Then it'll be ok.
I'm just so glad that the orientation is over. I think I was worried about it to the point that my gastric nearly came back (can feel the acid building up), and I couldn't really sleep much last night thinking about how I'm going to prepare for it.
Haiz, I think I tried my 80% best already. I hope it is better this time. Boo hoo.
Isaac came for the orientation too, but last minute we had to ask him to present his part on PB. Luckily he didn't scold or what la, but I feel a bit bad at the impromptu thing. I said if it was James, I think I die already. Really appreciate boss came back to help too. Somehow or other, I don't know how come she always can manage to find other things to talk about particular bullet point. To me it's a bit like, how much can I say about xxx programme ? Gardening is gardening what. Plant seeds, pluck flower, then what ? I think I really gotta learn about SELLING something.
Oh ya, reminds me of what Isaac and I were talking about. He was very nice, took train with me and walked me home. (I guess older guys are naturally more gentlemanly.) We had a pretty good conversation on the way back also la. Talked about work, about relationships, etc.
About relationships, must make mental note about where in the bible says guys must be more initiative. He made a point about not taking implied meaning for absolute truth. An interesting alternative to using what we usually describe as normative and non-normative in BS (if I didn't understand Weihao and Isaac wrongly). Actually, I don't know lei. I know a lot of people say that God made guys the initiator, but honestly I don't know the scriptural part. Must go find.
He was advising me that as a girl, and he has seen many of his girl friends, don't just keep waiting but 'sell' yourself. Of course not 'sell' in the negative connotation way, but I think what he means is to widen your social circle, know how to get along with guys, etc. How apt that just the other day Angeline and I were talking about being attractive to the opposite gender. I wondered where is the line to draw between trying to attract and initiating.
Anyway, confusion aside. I still should go and do my own research. Currently it is still my own conviction that my future husband must be the one who initiate a relationship. Somehow, I find it very courageous in a man to initiate (flirts exclusive) and I don't think I prefer to trust an emasculated man to lead my family in future. Maybe it is also influenced by a bit of traditional thinking that guys should initiate. But what is more important is not tradition but what God says.
Other than this, it was quite a funny conversation on the train ride back. At times, when we weren't talking about work. He actually noticed I kept staring at him on Dumpling day and that was because I couldn't recognise him in his home clothes. I usually have to recognise the face first because the body is unrecognisable in home clothes. Like so rude, this colleague, he was saying. It was really very funny on the train, hahaha. Though maybe written out it probably sounds lame and watered down.
So strange, didn't really expect to be able to 'click' relatively ok with Isaac. Good la, seldom so large an age gap still can be friends and get along. Of course, then again, I only know him for a short period of time. Peeked at his Friendster to see what kind of person he was. A bit similar, I think. Except - I have better sense of direction.
Congratulations to AK.
Finally attached.
I learnt something from you, A. It takes a lot to surrender yourself in a situation so uncertain for such a long period of time. To be uncertain yet remain the women we should be - letting the guy take control - when many times we probably wanna take a mic and holler to the guy to hurry up and get some courage because we already know he is the choice we will ultimately make, takes a lot of patience, grace and humility.
Patience because the guy is taking so long to decide and work up his courage, when we already know how we feel.
Patience because getting to know someone well enough to decide if you want to eventually be with the person and marry him is not a short-term task.
Grace because allowing the guy to take his time to decide and work up his courage is how a woman chooses to nurture the masculinity in a man.
Humility because you realise you're not the one in control - and willingly so.
Thank you for the lesson.
Well I guess lots of interesting stuff have been happening.
First, to talk about the UOP. I was a bit apprehensive about going for it because I was partly quite tired and I wasn't sure if I was ready to face what would happen - like the didn't quite know what to expect.
Turns out it wasn't quite so bad. I guess most of them just really look forward to have someone to talk to once they decide you seem to be quite sincere.
I was sharing with the cell that the few people who strike me the most are the ones who still seem to be genuinely contented (at least for that moment) with life. There was a lady who squeezed into a one-room flat with her husband and baby son, but when she talked about her son, she seemed to livened up within herself.
The next one woman who I remembered was this 40+ lady who was very keen on learning English. I realised that my parents aren't the only ones to have difficulties learning English (and probably computers, at that), but it's more like a whole generation of them. Albeit, 3 people is hardly a good statistic to generalise a whole generation, but it did made me think a bit more about what my mother had been saying about learning English / computers, and not 'writing her off' so soon. Got a business idea from here, to teach a whole generation of them would be the vision, but the hows ... that might pose a bit of a problem. It is never a good idea to start a business out of charitable causes, is what I have learnt. You might have noble ideas, but a business is a business, and a business has to be profit-oriented. I never used to buy this idea, until Vanessa, from previous experience, said this too, and through Nanz Chong's book, I finally accepted it more that a business has to be profitable, otherwise, no one is going to sympathise with you when you have to pay your bills. Granted, if I ever really start a business, I would want it to have a social aspect too, like perhaps in this case, to work out something for people like this lady I met. She bore so much hope in her for us to do something for them. At least if she knows English, she will stand a better chance of getting employed. It's akin to ... we have the means to help them, it's whether we want to or not.
It all sounds very noble. But to plan something and do it will require more than just motivation and ideals. Proper planning and execution calls for foresight, hard work and perseverence.
I hope I can do something more, but will this desire last, or is it just a fleeting emotional thought ...
Actually this teaching English / computer thing was indeed something I considered before, but I only saw it from my parents' point of view. I wasn't quite sure if others out there would require it ... until I met this lady, and the thought came back to me. This is a genuine need to 'save' an entire generation of them. (Haha, pardon the dramatics. But you get my point.)
Anyway, this brings me to my second point. I finally went to PB for the first time after 4 months plus of working here! For some reason or other, I was quite excited at being able to meet the youths there after so long. I was also a bit apprehensive because I didn't know how they would be like, and if I could 'click' with them. I guess it was better than I imagined. From what I saw at Open House, and from my previous perception of the group of them, I thought they would be very rowdy and rude. But a few of them actually took the initiative to come up to us and greet us.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just trying to impress ISC. I think he got the wrong impression that I'm good with the youths. I think I have the desire to work with youths (just not so sure about OSY because I never tried it before). I think he was more intrigued with me because the first time we prayed at GROW I teared quite badly (with mucus and all, eeuw) when we were praying for the youths and their families. I think he was a bit surprised.
Anyway, my experience is only with the youths in Ushering. They're mainstream youths, maybe still a bit easier to handle than OSY (or, in his opinion, at least mainstream youths have the motivation to study, to do things, even if for selfish reasons - selfish reasons was what I brought up), where OSY tend to be unmotivated and have wrong values instilled in them. Thinking about it, I think OSY is not unmotivated. If they were unmotivated, they would not even bother to do things like stealing and etc. I feel that if they stole, they are motivated by money to do it. They just have the wrong values inculcated in them - that one shouldn't pursue money in this way when one needs money.
I thought of asking for a transfer to PB before. But after today, I don't think it's a wise choice - at least from what I see now. Playing politics in a bigger office environment is safer than playing with politics in a smaller office environment.
I wish there was a place that people can concentrate on helping those who need it, and nothing else can pollute this intention. But as it has been said, we cannot avoid politics as long as there are more than one person(s) involved. Even I am not so pure.
I talked to ELN about what I mentioned to YP. I guess I still have the problem of inferiority complex coming out here and there. I still crave for a title and 'being in the limelight'. In hindsight, I believe it is also the desire to be recognised for what I do and genuinely being appreciated for it. I think this is normal, except when the desire overwhelms you, that it becomes your crutch, instead of God. My problem is accepting who God made me to be. I realise that it is just as important to accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses. I often question how inferiority complex can be cured, how one can both be confident yet humble at the same time ... perhaps it is when I truly accept myself - strengths, weaknesses and all - that I can overcome my inferiority manifested through pride.
On a lighter note, I think ISC is a pretty nice guy. I think it's quite funny that when he said most of the residents don't like PB being there, and I said "too bad la!" (for the residents), he laughed, like not expecting me to say something so un-PC. I realise he is quite humble in a certain sense. Their office is like the open concept type. It is not very big, and though he has a title, he doesn't sit in one office by himself, preferring to keep things "no-rank here" (in his words). He actually initiates talking to me and gives me the feeling of acceptance. Hmm, either he has the wrong impression of me, or he is just very good at what he does - of accepting people around him. I realise one key point of making people open up to you is when you communicate acceptance, whether by words, actions or body language. And I realise, sincere acceptance can be felt. Don't be fake lor, don't be fake - people can tell.
Being in social services hasn't been quite what I expected to be. Heck, every job has it's "unexpectancy". Maybe I had too rosy a picture of what I thought social services to be.
I'm not even dealing directly with the beneficiaries.
What I really wanted to do was to hear the youths who are hurting inside themselves. Though in the past I couldn't really understand and get along with people like J and C from the previous company, somehow getting to know people like them, which are out of my usual circle of friends and comfort zone, made a little more interested towards this group of young hurting girls.
Although I cannot say I completely understand how they feel because I have never experienced what they each went through, I can imagine the immense pain they went through. To put myself in their shoes, I would feel terrible.
I think I would prefer to do groundwork actually. Honestly I don't 100% buy the "mobilising more people would effect greater change than just me one person doing it" thing. I absolutely agree that this is true but perhaps ... I'm not convicted of it.
I have always preferred direct service, which is why I did web design and development in the past. Because I needed to see the fruit of my labour, which you can't really get when you're just editing 100 over lines out of 1000 lines of code on a black screen called MSDOS.
I think I have the desire to be a social worker to a certain extent (though I remember telling Hao before that I would NEVER want to be one - oops), but I don't have the courage to do so, because I'm afraid to be wrong accessing my own desires and capabilities. I look at the youths from our youth centre and I know I cannot 'reach out' to them. Maybe I'm having a limited mentality, but let's just say that well, if you know yourself well enough, you should know what kind of people you can get along with and what kind you might not. Nobody is perfect.
In the end I realised that all I wanted is to take an interest in somebody's life and change the person - but you know what, everybody wants to be the hero and nobody wants to do the work.
Got this from a Chinese period drama (Legend of the Twin Dragons), something like "Every soldier must die. But when you die, it must be for a worthy cause." I view having a career in a similar way. I may not be able to escape having to work hard for finances (unless I marry a rich guy), I may not be able to escape working overtime; but at least if I have to work so hard, it must be for a worthy cause, so to speak. In other words, the sacrifice (be it in terms of lesser finances or other tangibles or intangibles) must be worth it.
Right now, I am being told to stop being self-righteous and let go of what I think is a fair and just way of administering things. I find myself losing my enthusiasm and becoming somewhat jaded. It's like what's the point of doing social services if I'm supposed to just sit and not question, not fight, and just surrender. I might as well go back to doing web. (Ok, this entry is worded rather loosely so I bet you can find some loophole in what I just wrote because I am not proof-reading the content to make sure it sufficiently expresses what I feel to the point.)
This is exactly the very thing social services staff are being warned against, and yet so many falter into. I don't even do direct service and I feel this way. I feel a bit burned out, or on the verge of being so.
It's that kind of feeling like you just want to drop everything.
If I could choose, I would quit everything and go for a real long holiday. Like a month or so.
I wish I can do freelance but the responsibilities of real-world finances forbid that horribly. It makes me feel entrapped, though even in the midst of this I strive to remember that I have an even bigger God who is Jehovah Jireh.
Hmm, first time I'm actually diagnosed with gastritis. I never really thought I had that. I thought those kinds of 'mild' pain (ok, 'mild' compared with what's going on now) was something like gastric but hmm, how wrong I am today.
Tummy's been behaving funnily since Saturday. Friday to be exact. Feeling nauseous on Friday for some reason or other (Elaine and I joked about the TPS syndrome, where after meeting him one will be sick, coz she felt unwell too - but haha, of course it's just a joke.) Then the tummyaches came after the iced coffee on Saturday. Apparently, the coffee from the shop at Dhoby Exchange is really potent. Maybe I drank too much of their coffee over time, too strong for my stomach.
The pain is really unbearable. Every 20-30 minutes (yes, I timed it) or so when the pain comes, it's like a mental preparation "ok, here it comes again", and then one has to anticipate the 'peak' of the pain, and wait for it to be over.
I finally saw the doctor just now. Got the medicine, ate it. Woke up around 12.05am coz I suddenly felt like puking. Rushed to toilet but good, I didn't puke.
Hmm, gastritis is bad. I mean, I know it's common but it just hits you when it happens to you. Can't eat a lot of stuff too till it gets better. Cannot eat spicy, fried foods, milk (and milk-based stuff), soya products ... at least these are the few I can remember. Haiz, looks like 'yu2 pian4 mi2 fen3" is going to be my next best friend.
I'm actually surprised that Hao remembered I said I cried when my dad travelled overseas. It's surprising because I didn't even remember it myself until Ginger said he mentioned it. Now I have a vague idea, though I can't remember why I felt so worried for my dad at that point in time. Should have been about 1+ - 2 years ago.
Apparently he got the idea that I'm pretty emo when people travel, because I also expressed concern for Ginger when she hadn't contacted me after she reached Thailand (because she is travelling alone and she said she would call me).
So he thought I don't like travelling.
I'm super not emo about people travelling lor. I didn't say anything about Yanwei, Brendan, Annette, and Esther travelling, did I ?
Certainly love changes a person.
I have never seen you talk so much about someone before.
Good for you, I'm happy for you :)
On my way to work, I spied the Coffee Club at Hotel Rendezvous. I seldom go Coffee Club, except the one at Taka, where Ying, Ting and I used to sit by the window and chat whenever Ting was back in Singapore.
Made me miss those times again.
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