Mass of Words

Well I guess lots of interesting stuff have been happening.

First, to talk about the UOP. I was a bit apprehensive about going for it because I was partly quite tired and I wasn't sure if I was ready to face what would happen - like the didn't quite know what to expect.

Turns out it wasn't quite so bad. I guess most of them just really look forward to have someone to talk to once they decide you seem to be quite sincere.

I was sharing with the cell that the few people who strike me the most are the ones who still seem to be genuinely contented (at least for that moment) with life. There was a lady who squeezed into a one-room flat with her husband and baby son, but when she talked about her son, she seemed to livened up within herself.

The next one woman who I remembered was this 40+ lady who was very keen on learning English. I realised that my parents aren't the only ones to have difficulties learning English (and probably computers, at that), but it's more like a whole generation of them. Albeit, 3 people is hardly a good statistic to generalise a whole generation, but it did made me think a bit more about what my mother had been saying about learning English / computers, and not 'writing her off' so soon. Got a business idea from here, to teach a whole generation of them would be the vision, but the hows ... that might pose a bit of a problem. It is never a good idea to start a business out of charitable causes, is what I have learnt. You might have noble ideas, but a business is a business, and a business has to be profit-oriented. I never used to buy this idea, until Vanessa, from previous experience, said this too, and through Nanz Chong's book, I finally accepted it more that a business has to be profitable, otherwise, no one is going to sympathise with you when you have to pay your bills. Granted, if I ever really start a business, I would want it to have a social aspect too, like perhaps in this case, to work out something for people like this lady I met. She bore so much hope in her for us to do something for them. At least if she knows English, she will stand a better chance of getting employed. It's akin to ... we have the means to help them, it's whether we want to or not.

It all sounds very noble. But to plan something and do it will require more than just motivation and ideals. Proper planning and execution calls for foresight, hard work and perseverence.

I hope I can do something more, but will this desire last, or is it just a fleeting emotional thought ...

Actually this teaching English / computer thing was indeed something I considered before, but I only saw it from my parents' point of view. I wasn't quite sure if others out there would require it ... until I met this lady, and the thought came back to me. This is a genuine need to 'save' an entire generation of them. (Haha, pardon the dramatics. But you get my point.)

Anyway, this brings me to my second point. I finally went to PB for the first time after 4 months plus of working here! For some reason or other, I was quite excited at being able to meet the youths there after so long. I was also a bit apprehensive because I didn't know how they would be like, and if I could 'click' with them. I guess it was better than I imagined. From what I saw at Open House, and from my previous perception of the group of them, I thought they would be very rowdy and rude. But a few of them actually took the initiative to come up to us and greet us.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just trying to impress ISC. I think he got the wrong impression that I'm good with the youths. I think I have the desire to work with youths (just not so sure about OSY because I never tried it before). I think he was more intrigued with me because the first time we prayed at GROW I teared quite badly (with mucus and all, eeuw) when we were praying for the youths and their families. I think he was a bit surprised.

Anyway, my experience is only with the youths in Ushering. They're mainstream youths, maybe still a bit easier to handle than OSY (or, in his opinion, at least mainstream youths have the motivation to study, to do things, even if for selfish reasons - selfish reasons was what I brought up), where OSY tend to be unmotivated and have wrong values instilled in them. Thinking about it, I think OSY is not unmotivated. If they were unmotivated, they would not even bother to do things like stealing and etc. I feel that if they stole, they are motivated by money to do it. They just have the wrong values inculcated in them - that one shouldn't pursue money in this way when one needs money.

I thought of asking for a transfer to PB before. But after today, I don't think it's a wise choice - at least from what I see now. Playing politics in a bigger office environment is safer than playing with politics in a smaller office environment.

I wish there was a place that people can concentrate on helping those who need it, and nothing else can pollute this intention. But as it has been said, we cannot avoid politics as long as there are more than one person(s) involved. Even I am not so pure.

I talked to ELN about what I mentioned to YP. I guess I still have the problem of inferiority complex coming out here and there. I still crave for a title and 'being in the limelight'. In hindsight, I believe it is also the desire to be recognised for what I do and genuinely being appreciated for it. I think this is normal, except when the desire overwhelms you, that it becomes your crutch, instead of God. My problem is accepting who God made me to be. I realise that it is just as important to accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses. I often question how inferiority complex can be cured, how one can both be confident yet humble at the same time ... perhaps it is when I truly accept myself - strengths, weaknesses and all - that I can overcome my inferiority manifested through pride.

On a lighter note, I think ISC is a pretty nice guy. I think it's quite funny that when he said most of the residents don't like PB being there, and I said "too bad la!" (for the residents), he laughed, like not expecting me to say something so un-PC. I realise he is quite humble in a certain sense. Their office is like the open concept type. It is not very big, and though he has a title, he doesn't sit in one office by himself, preferring to keep things "no-rank here" (in his words). He actually initiates talking to me and gives me the feeling of acceptance. Hmm, either he has the wrong impression of me, or he is just very good at what he does - of accepting people around him. I realise one key point of making people open up to you is when you communicate acceptance, whether by words, actions or body language. And I realise, sincere acceptance can be felt. Don't be fake lor, don't be fake - people can tell.