Ethereal

I sometimes feel like talking about how I feel, yet sometimes I feel like I cannot be bothered to tell people how I feel because, I am afraid that most people will not understand how I feel. It is a horrid thing to have told people your innermost feelings and then have them laugh it off on a whim.

I feel as if I am waiting for a time-bomb to explode. I am very very afraid of how I would feel should it be revealed who he likes. It sometimes makes me feel like a loser to have not been able to be rid of the feelings after 4 years. I wish I was truly prophetic in my dreams but the words that Angeline questioned me runs through my mind still - "When did any of your dreams ever come true?"

I thought I was numb to whatever he does, whatever he says. After 4 years, all the times I have hoped I could sit beside him during service, be in his group during cell, seen him in church long after hours and duties have passed through the day, all seems a childish thought now. Things like these didn't seem to matter as much now.

I was quite worried when he didn't reply my SMS this morning. At first I thought he overslept. Then, I worried if something happened to him like an accident or something. The worry and temporal wave of panic surprised me. So, I still feel something.

I don't know why I just felt like crying after A and I left cell. And I did, kinda. I'm glad A was there, but I felt a little embarrassed and incoherent. I haven't really cried about him for a long time and I told myself I didn't want to anymore because once I cried over a misunderstanding we had over SMS and it was really painful to the point of being physical. So maybe, I don't feel so numb afterall.

My thoughts about the matter is fragmented. Sometimes, I just wish everything would come to an end.

If it would be painful, perhaps it would be like a jab - precise and quick.

Maybe things will not be as bad as I think it will be.